Love is still the greatest journey of all...
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yeah i couldnt hold up to it
5-26-2010
okay so this will be brief. but the short and sweet of it is simply that i am totally in love with him and i couldnt walk away.. i tried.. but i just couldnt. it started with some tornadoes and me worring about him and the kids and i text him a few times and i dont know, i put him back in my phone book for now. i even put my pof page in susension.. i cant keep 'looking' when i am not really looking .. i cant give my attention to anyone completley because my head is always with kyle. .. so i decided to just take myself off the whole onlien thing, except i can log in and check on my favs if i feel like it.. in fact i have two emails sitting there unopened... and i dont care. i have to play this one out, no matter how long it takes i have to play it out and see if it ever goes anywhere with kyle... for my sanity i have to. if it goes no where then it does, but if it does then it would of been worth it ... if it doesnt then i wouldnt of known if i didnt try.. anything worth having is worth waiting for and firghting for... i just keep thinking... if he really wanted me to go away there are a million easy ways he could of just told me and he hasnt.... i dont know if that means anything at all.. what i can say is we are texting daily and its me inititating but he is responding more than usual.. so who knows... but im tired of trying to pretend i can just forget he is in my every thought becuase i cant. everyone may think i am foolish and silly but i have to follow my heart this time... no matter where it leads me. its better to have loved andlost than to have never loved at all.
I hit delete
5-18-2010
wow... well, i just deleted kyle from my phonebook. i had to look away when i hit delete but i talked with a friend who reminded me again that i should forget him that he isnt interested in me for me or who i am at all.. and that we teach people how to treat us. i dont blame kyle.. we both are consenting adults and we both continued on this relationship or whatever .. and as my friend said.. why dont you get it? he doesnt reply to your emails, texts all the time.. he doesnt ask you out or spend any time with you at all.. he isnt interested and he is probley wondering why you dont get it. I suddenly felt completely stupid and very embarassed. I know this.. but yet I continued to choose to see things based on 'hope' when I shouldnt even have given this entire thing such a huge part of me. I realized that I HAVE to cut it off.. I have no choice because I am in love with him and he doesnt give a crap about me... other than in the context of this fuckship we have going and that is so shallow. I have allowed myself to be put in this back door category and I have to exit gracefully if possible and lock the door behind me. someone someday will get his heart and im sure they will be very lucky because he will treat someone amazingly someday... i wish it could of been me... but its not. So I deleted him and I know when he texts me to see him.. its going to kill me and i am going to have to just tell him.. and just like matt i suspect his response will be ok and nothing more.... which will just prove my point all the more. Part of me is even hoping right now as i say that .. that when that happens he will rush over to see me and realize that he doesnt want me out of his life he wants me in it. lol.. yeah.. just the hopeless romantic in me hanging on... but i have to shake myself and say.. that would be a b grade movie because if it was a real romance he would of come after me almost a year ago and not settled for this fuckship... oh well. it is what it is.. now i have to disconnect somehow emotionally, grieve the loss of hope for something that will not come to be. tears will fall,... but ill be okay, and someday that person out there who is looking for me will be captivated when he see me and take my breath away.. until then i cant settle for less than i deserve even if it hurts me to say goodbye. goodbye kyle. ;(
the tidbit
5-11-2010
he did text me on mothers day and said happy mothers day.. NOT expected at all and I am very very surprised... so how do i take it. why would he even make the effort?
its been a year almost...
5-11-2010
In July it will be one year since I moved here and a met kyle. I am having one of those days or a couple nights of realization and questions about what they hell i am doing. Why I am allowing myself to have this sexship with him.... I mean I know why... it purely about my heart. and I want to be close to him. I guess I have this fantasy of him loving me. I still dont understand why I cant let go.. I guess its because I am still sleeping with him. I am emotionally attached.. as they say someone always gets out of bed with feelings.. and for us that is me. He gives me no indication that he wants anything more from me. Yet, I seem to want to think that if I wait around long enough he will want more or at least to explore the idea of more. I just think if he took the time to get to know me better he would really like me.. I have a lot to offer someone relationship wise. I like kids even other peoples kids and they usually like me. hell, I dont know what to do... some days I tell myself that he is just wrapped up in work and kids and life and our relationship just works for him but he is still looking and if it was enough then he wouldnt still be looking, technically we dont even have a relationship because we dont do anything but have sex mostly... i mean i have been over there and just snuggled a couple of times... and there has been times he has started to seem like he might try for more but it never goes anywhere... he has called me a few times on his way home from work... but i dont know why we just always hit a brick wall before anything ever progresses. So.. my quandry.. i am just being overagressive... do i just need to leave him alone and let him come to me? is that really the problem? or is he just to busy to really feel like he needs anyone? maybe he is happy with the convienence of our relationship and doesnt want to complicate things further....or maybe my greatest fear is that he just wants to have sex with me and doesnt really want me for anything more. I would like to think he isnt that kind of person, but he is a man who is having sex with me and isnt technically dating me. all my friends and family say to walk away that he is using me... except mom, she said maybe he is and maybe he isnt, maybe he is afraid or just not interested in a relationshi because he had a wife that died and another he divorced.. he has been divorced three years and he isnt ready for more. He had a girlfirend he told me when i met him for a year.. and was broke up with her like three months when i met him. I know we have so much in common.. or it seemed like we did when we met, but after we started sleeping together that is all it has ever been. geeze, the thing is i have met a lot of men over the past year and some have been nice, some have been creeps but some have been very interested in me.. and still are, but i just cant seem to move forward with anyone.. all i think about is kyle. its so bad now that the last guy i was seeing, or started seeing... i already knew that where ever i was with him that if kyle called i was already trying to figure out how i was going to get away from him and go to kyle. i really havent even wanted to sleep with anyone else.... its just like my lust is suspended.. i think of kyle all the time.. when i wake up, when i work out, when im in bed, when im in the shower, all the time. I feel like a total jerk for it too, cause i dont want to be the girl with the high school crush that doesnt want me. i dont want to be that person, because i have a decent sense of self esteem... i dont see this as a self esteem issue, i just see this as someone i really want to get to know.. but i am giving up some of my virtues and i know that isnt right. i think about it every single time i am in church and when i leave he is the first thing on my mind... i just want to purify our relationship somehow. i would do anything almost for a do over with him... or at least a chance beyond the bedroom to spend time with him so he could actually see me differently. i just dont want to be the backdoor girl, i am worth so much more. why do i feel like i am whinning. pathetic isnt it. funny part is... i could care less about the whole fireman thing.. that was hot.. but without it.. i still want him. its just something about him when i am in his arms. maybe it the kiss on the forehead, or how safe i feel in his arms. god i feel so safe in his arms.. i feel this emotion in my heart that i cant explain. then i also think about all the times he completely ignores me, doesnt respond to texts, or doesnt ready my emails. What am i left to think.. the obvious truth would be he just isnt that into me. ... so what do i do now? leave him alone... that would be the obvious choice wouldnt it.
kicking myself
5-11-2010
When I am just going to get it? This is so rediculous... sometimes I think about this crush and I think... I am infatuated? Why dont I just realize I am wasting my time, my energy and my heart on someone who absolutely doesnt care one bit about me. Come on elayne.. he doesnt care about you the way you care about him.. give it up. stop thinking of all teh what ifs.. stops trying to make him laugh.. stop trying to make him wonder about you... want you.. desire you... think about you... HE DOESNT WANT YOU! That is so clear and yet.. he will leave me trickles of attention that I will feast on.. and I still continue to hold on my a string.. by a STRING! STOP.. I hear so many people telling me to just stop.. forget him and move on. If he was inclined to want me at all.. he would be trying.. he would make time...he would call... he would wonder.. HE DOESNT. I need to catch the hint and stop wishing, hoping, and stop feeling for him. Let go. and for Gods sake.. dont write anymore poetry for him... its a waste of energy and words for someone who doesnt even know you exist.
Poetry "Quiet Strength"
5-11-2010
Our worlds collided
Our souls flickered in passing
Our lips met with passion
Uncertainty was born that night
Uncertainty that still follows us
You sit on the fence perched and peering down
I sit looking up at you hoping you'll come down
You watch all the passing traffic
Turning your head to follow
Every now and then you stop and stare at me
I gaze at you in wonder
What are you thinking?
You cut your eyes and reach to touch me
I melt by your side
I gaze at you in wonder
What are you thinking?
I hear your heart beat softly resting
My heart races and my stomach tickles
I gaze at you in wonder
What are you thinking?
You lean in to kiss me...so softly
I breath deeply as I think of you
I gaze at you in wonder
What are you thinking?
Our passions ignite and we steal the fire
We spread the flames and fan our desire
I gaze at you in wonder
What are you thinking?
You reach down and pick me up and quietly put me back down on the ground again...
You return to your perch on the fence
Gazing at the traffic going by
I gaze at you in wonder
What are you thinking?
another tease
3-28-2010
well, since ive made this private now I am going to just pour into it when i can. again kyle is my subject tonight...he is still spiratically responding to my texts. i am confused and aggrivated. i dont know what to think. part of me would say that he is just keeping me on the back burner, the other part would say maybe he is just busy and has other priorities. i had text him tonight about droppingoff a book i got for his son last weekend, he texted me last friday night wanting me to come over and then he backed out at the last minute. tonight he said maybe i could come over later tonight, i wasnt gong to even go..but i caved and texted him and he texted back saying he was till bitching at callie to get in bed. i came to bed and to get myself ready for him and texted him like five times but no response. so before i go to bed i gifured i wold try to write somehimething but my eyes are taking over.
Gaining perspective
3-24-2010
I dont know how well I can articulate tonight I am very tired, but I need to release. One thing I have learned from writing is how important reflection can be. If you keep a blog/journal that you can reflect back on... the things you learn are priceless, even if you dont articulate well every time you journal. Tonight I have so many things I am going through and feeling. I should have continued my daily journal but I got so busy with work and consummed with finding love to replace what I had lost that everthing else like my art, my journals and even compiling a book that has been written and is sittign there needing to be edited have all been pushed aside and the time just wasnt utilitzed better. So,.... its been too long since I journaled daily and there is too much that has happened in this past year I couldnt begin to go back and note eveyrthing in the context of the emotions I was feeling at the time. This moment I can capture so I am. Many things right now are weighing on me tonight. First, I have started talking or texting you could say to kyle..my fireman actually he is a nurse the fireman thing is kinda on the side and volunteer so I dont think he is doing much of that anymore if at all. I have journaled about him before and i have two blogs and he is in and out of both of them since I met him almost a year ago in july. For whatever reason, and some I cant even explain, I have fallen deeply in like with him.... I dont really know what to call it, but I think about him all the time, wonder how he is, what he is doing, and wanting to talk to him, lay next to him with him holding me and kissing my forehead, or tickeling me and being silly.... I just found a connection with him that is hard to describe... we can lay next to each other and say nothing ... there was several times when I did and he didnt really want me to leave in the middle of the night... but I had to... and I felt like he didnt want me to. Then the last time I was there, I could tell he wanted me to... so the difference was very distinct. I have even crossed over the fence and said to one of my best friends that I feel like I am in love with him... but I dont know how I can truly say that when I dont really know him that well. Can you fall in love with someone after spending short periods of time withthem...we havent spent any normal time together or traditional time... but I made accomodations for when he wanted to see me which is usually late at night after his kid or kids are in bed and mine are too, and we never do anything like go out, never been on a date with him, we dont evenreally talk on the phone, although he has called me before. I dontknow why there is distance like that, it isnt what I want.... it seems to be the way he wants it I guess and I tolerate it... because I am hoping that he will suddenly have this realization... and it will bring him back around to how he treated me the first time I met him and we started talking for weeks, it was the most amazing, silly, witty texting... I fell in love with him before I ever even met him. I will never ever forget the first time we met... it was at a park with his kids and mine... and he talked up a storm and I just listened... he told me stuff I was surprised, he talked about how much money he made, which wasnt importantto me, but I guess he was trying to say he was stable, and he told me silly things like abouthis neighbor and this issue they had with the fence... he asked if me and the kids had eaten and we had so we didnt go with him and his kids to eat after the park... i had texted him after we left and i will never forget i asked him somethimg witty like if i still knew a rescue guy and he said yes,.... and I asked what the kids thought and he said they ALL liked me. I was so happy, it was like the first day of the rest of my life.... I was so in love with him before i ever met him and then we met and it was just amazing... then somehow we screwed it up and we slept together the very next night and it just was to early. he was the first man i had been with since the divorce and i was so timid and shy and couldnt get comfortable. we cooled off after that for a while and then things just seemd to trickle off and i didnt want them too... at first i was unsure and then after a bit i was sure i didnt want them to... we have been back and forth since then... we have gone through spurts when we have been together and then i got upset around christmas and let him have it when i got my feelings hurt, so he stopped talking to me for about two months or so ..now we are texting again... and he is answering me some....not always. I still feel the same way I did when we first met and I just want to go back to the beginning when we met the first time and do it all over. It sounds so dumb but I just feel like I have to see it through, I feel like if he would let his guard down just a little and spend some real time with me that either he will totally fall i love with me, or he will realize that maybe being friends is where it needs to stay...but I dont feel like we have had that chance to explore those real options and I am begging God for that chance. I yearn for that chance with him and I just cant explain it, but its how I feel. I am compelled to... So in light of that I am holding my breath to see if he will ever have that realization and give us a chance. it could be a great love story... and a funny one... or not...but who knows. other than that a lot is going on, but I am so tired I think I am going to have to save it for another night, I just dont have it to give tonight.
Re-evaluate
2-4-2010
I had the great pleasure of seeing a dear friend of mine the other night, both of us single, I have several single male friends and a couple female single friends. We all seem to experience some of the same ups and downs and we are all 30something, I just barely turned 40 so I still feel comfortable saying that, especially since I dont think I neither look 40 or feel 40. The trend though is disheartening and I do feel it is compellingly noteworthy. I think it all starts with the way the past couple of generations is growing up. I think my generation was one of the last of its kind in the values and morals sense. My ex was part of the next generation and his raising was different, and not entirely due to his parents persay but just the overall environment he grew up in publically, socially, etc. The generations have become so completely about 'me' and so morally flagrant, sexually flagrant, unable to uphold or even care about good old fashioned values and something called commitment. I am going to be harsh here and I am not perfect, but what I can say is that I was a true blue honest, faithful, stand by your man and work through and for your marriage wife. I was raised to believe that anything worth having was worth working and fighting for and if you wanted it bad enough you had to get it just that way, nothing would be handed to you on a silver platter and I wasnt born with a silver spoon in my mouth. I worked from the time I was old enough to hold a job, I moved out when I was 18, I graduated high school and college was not an option it was expected, certain grades were expected and anything lower was not tolerated, I was taught respect my elders etc... you get the idea... old fashioned morals and values, traditions important concepts that go back hundreds of years .....Today as the generations grow up they are all about instant graitifcation, they reach for a calculator to solve a math problem and probley couldnt do an algebra problem by hand, they lack something essential to life.. PROBLEM SOLVING SKILLS... you may laugh but this is an absolute necissity of life... and yea I spelled that wrong, spelling isnt a requirement at least not perfectly, but I dont rely on spell check to fix it, I backspace and fix it myself most the time unless I am not sure how to spell it... anyway... problem solving skills.... Think about it... seriously... if you dont have problem solving skills you cant do much of anything with any great amount of sucess...unless you are either very lucky or you have a lot of help. And to make my point a little faster... I am getting at the fact that todays kids are so wrapped up in this instant gratification and technology aides that they dont have the same problem solving skills many of us older folks have, not to say none do, it is just much less prevalant... which shows in an 80% divorce rate. Our grandparents didnt make it being married for 40 years by deciding after 5 that they had enough and would just get a divorce and try the next one on. Wake up people... you are the generation of multiple marriages.... what is wrong with you people? Seriously, I am not saying everyone so dont go sending me crappy messages about how you have been married three times and blah blah... we all have our circumstances, but I hung out and worked at a marriage that I carried and helped nurture from someone in that younger generation with a lack of problem solving skills and do it for me so I can get there faster mentality...... work hard and you usually reap the rewards unless you are just an asshole people cant stand.... back to the main concept here.... failed marriages... and now a generation of men that dont want to commit because they are fed up with either being married more than one, women who either cheat or are so materialistic and high matinance its rediculous, or men who just cant keep it in their pants for a variety of reasons.... now someday all of the forementioned individuals are going to be cloging up the old folks homes where some nurse is going to have to help take care of their bitchy crabby resentful ass and some will feel sorry for them not knowing they brought this all on themselves.... the continuing down side to all of this is that the cycle as it continues and has continued is creating a huge... HUGE over 40 Single divorced adults population and a LARGE portion are single parents... and we know the down side there...that is an entire new conversation full of statitics of what can occur from single parent homes..not because of bad parenting just because when it broke.... the kids just arent the same... and the divorced parents now have to contend with rebuilding a life of their own at the same time in a growing population of divorced single parents that have decided to just have casual sex and avoid commitment because the taste is so bad from the previous baggage they would rather be alone and in control and run over and miserable.... or at least that is what they think at the time... then they get older and older and about 50 unless they are rich... reality starts to set in and they realize they are approaching retirement alone.... Okay...so I wont even go there because it can go so many ways at that point, but in the meantime gosh there is enough emotional disturbance with all the single parented kiddos and the single parents themselves why even bother worrying about the older folks right now.. we can chew for hours on just this.... so at this point... some have given up for a while... then eventually somewhere along the road hopefully they meet someone that makes them feel a bit more risky and they may make another attempt at a long term commitment and maybe even marriage... WAKE up if you are young, if you are currently in your first marriage, if you are contemplating getting married, if you are in your second marriage... wake up now stop and think long and hard about your future if you decided to give up, throw in the towel... you have NO IDEA what you could be getting into... evalute your options carefully, make sure you have tired everything humanly possible to save your marriage before you leave... make sure before you get married you both are on the same page in the long term... people do NOT take marriage as seriously as they should... this isnt supposed to be something in life you can OPT to do over! This is supposed to be a lifetime commitment, (within reason, we arent talking about abuse etc) I am talking about a lack of fight, a lack of values, a lack of dicipline, morals, whatever the plague could be, be ready to deal with it and fight for the choices YOU make.... if we had more people that did that... we wouldnt have a divorce rate this high, we wouldnt have STD's this high, teenage preganacy this high, kids not graduating this high... everything starts with the FAMILY foundation.... how you handle adversity is teaching not only those around you but youself included... allow yourself to learn from your mistakes, dont repeat them.... understand that just because you may not want to...isnt always a reason to quit... I am disappointed at this age, a great age... I should be looking into a sea of adults that have lived, learned and learned how to do it better and want that chance to have it the way it should be and are willing to do it right the next time and realize they probley shouldnt have given up the first time.... (mitigating circumstances allowed of course) but be rationale. I was and that is why I was married for 14 years... in the end, it wasnt really my call, it was his, he couldnt get it together and it was easier for him to run that to do what he should have done... I always fought the battles wages to win the war of love and marriage and hope for a bettter tomorrow, just like I do at work everyday with this very challanging group of kids I try to teach everyday who are coming from this very rooted generations... we as people have created our own dimise and we dont entirely see it because we are just standing around admiring all the beautiful trees..... strength is hard to find and come by when you feel some empty inside...but I realized something tonight when I was dirving home after a 12 hour day of work... sometimes we need to break ourselves completely down...especially when we loose everything we know...in order to build ourseleves back up... sometimes we need to cry and feel and come to our knees to refocus, find strength, courage and tinacity to go at it another day knowing that in fact... Everyday is a New Day....and tomorrow can be better and will be better made by our own choice to not only believe that but to believe in ourselves and the inate goodness of people...despite the tragedy of the big picture... we all still feel at some level....it just varies on what it takes to bring us to the depth of our emotions. Its okay to start over, its hard, but in essense we have the advantage of going forth with great knowledge of the past and years of life experience from many sides if we paid attention along the way.... and if we can all just have a little more faith in humanity, and in ourselves... then maybe we can begin to have faith that strong relationships are still possbile and even probable, we just have to be open to the idea... we cant shut out the world and live by the seat of our pants indefinately... at some point we need to share the emotional reins and love with all we have to give... its okay to risk it... and its okay, we might get hurt.... but if we dont try..... if we dont put ourselves out there....have faith...believe in love...after all... wasnt it love in some form that started it all??? We dont really have much to loose.....except maybe our hearts to the greatest journey in life.... life itself and it is so much more amazing when we feel the journey with our hearts... God Bless everyone.... tell someone that you love them today that you havent told in a while... but really let them know you mean it.... love changes the world every second of every day.... nothing is inspired by less than love.
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