A Journey of Betrayal
http://www.tribbit.com/tribute/43158.htmlNot for the faint of heart. This is a blog to document the journey of understanding infidelity, from a victim to a perpitrator.
Still feeling distance...
2008
Disconnected is how I feel. Continued disconnection from my husband. I dont feel connected to GT either, I just kinda feel out there. I see a fork in the road, but I am just sitting on a rock, looking out, pondering my next move. I have no clue as what to do. Sometimes I think doing nothing might be the only thing to do.
Perspective
2008
After a nice long holiday weekend, and much thought, I look back on last weeks blogs with contemplation. Andy is right. I am feeling myself caught in the middle right now. On one side, I am unhappy with the past 13 years and see the outlook as hopeful, but not entirely optomistic. On the other side I sit and wonder how my feelings have managed to flip flop some drastically? Is this a condition of pure emotion? Shouldnt I have seen this coming? Where do I go from here? What do I really feel? I am left with more questions than answers at this point. I am so caught in the middle and so unsure of what I should do. Home....I feel as if a chance is warrented, because I am the second chance queen, but not entirely for that reason, there are others to consider. GT..... well, I find that my feelings of desire increase when problems at home increase.....actually that is in essence ....profound, if you consider the reasons for this journey and how I got here. Understanding is more clear, day by day, I understand why, what, and how his situation perpetuated. I can only imagine of how easy it would have been to graduate to a physical level. That I am fortunate in, GT is not here and not accessible. That gives me one advantage, I THINK, but perhaps I am not entirely sure that is an advantage, after all I have still found myself at divorces doorstep with acceptance, perhaps with a physical relationship things would of progressed much faster and I wouldnt just be at the door step but passing through the door to the next level. I suppose the advantage is weighed by individual perceptions at this point. Im not sure if time will give me a better perspective. At this moment, I am dealing with quitting one job and transitioning to another, and the situation with GT and home has to wait. I must prioritize and I also need time to think. I wish I could get more comments . I may have to visit Shine later for community input, hopefully I can get it. In the meantime, if you are reading this and you can contribute any additional insight, please do.
On top of the world
2008
Finally! I got the job and the money! Finally! I feel on top of the world today. I have waited all my life for this and its finally here. Its not the job I wanted, but its the money I wanted so for now it will do. As far as home, things are still the same, up in the air. I am trying to give it time, that is all I have anyway. One day at a time. GT and I tend to get carried away with fantasies derived from our past feelings, but we are quick to pop back into reality. I am keeping my distance so i can keep perspective and make my decisions based on home and nothing else, so far I think I am still able to do that, after all I am not running off to have a full fledged affair. For now I am reserving some of my complete thoughts on that issue, I am still debating my feelings in a lot of ways. Right now I want to focus on what I have control over and that is my life here, my job and my family. Everything else just has to sit on stew for a later time.
Burning Desire
2008
I gaze out onto the strip
What a captivating trance
The lights all around me
Thinking of you
Thinking of my story
The thrill and excitement of it all
It rekindles this burning desire I have for you
A desire I set aside
A desire I have chosen to ignore
I tried to prioritize
I tried to do the right thing
I find myself back here again
Wanting you
Enjoying you wanting me
I feel on fire
So ansy I cant sit still
I want to run and jump on a plane
So I can feel again
This burning desire has taken me over
I feel as lucky as a four leaf clover
I must continue to abade my selfish wants
Soon, my lover we will be face to face
We will take each other with lust and grace
Until then....
Lets talk about sx...baby..lets talk about you and me....
2008
The only revelation I am having is that maybe I should have a torrid hot affair......more to think about.
Not what I expected...
2008
I am struggling this week, with everything that has happened, in my own mind I have ended my marriage, I drew the courage, and prepared myself, admitted my own feelings, and now, I have given him this last chance. I will say he has the attitude that he will do anything, he has been very accomodating, chases me, but he is smothering me with his constant, are you sure you want me? are you sure you want to stay? do you still love me? its constant, and i am still having a hard time being intimate with him, i am still feeling uninterested generally speaking, part of me is like, i thought we were starting over and getting a divorce the other part of me is like, hey he gave you a chance you should give him another, i am torn right down the middle and finding myself encouraging myself with GT to have some fun so to speak. I am wondering if I am sabatoging myself intentionally for the sake of a divorce. If so i know that is not fair, or at least i dont think its fair to anyone involved, but i suppose some would argue that he kinds deserves what he gets after what he has done. I dont know if I am inclined to agree with that statement or not. I just know that I am still very divided, second chance or not. I have a meeting so I will have to come back later and blog an new revelations today.
Last Chance..Sally (or should I say hubby)
2008
When I went home Friday, I was very resolved in dissolving my marriage. In fact I had no intentions of discussing anything with him, due to what he pulled on Fathers day weekend, which I dont think I even blogged, it was disasterous, we fought for three days over the possiblity of moving and on fathers day he upset the kids, packed his bags countless times etc... anyway, this weekend I was not going to say anything, i was just going to avoid any drama and bid my time. He always seems to have this uncanny ability to sense something even when I dont think I am sharing or showing feelings.The kids were occupied and out of the house, and he just kept on nagging me about what was wrong, he kept on digging around bringing up various things, until finally i said do you really want to have this conversation now? i dont want a repeat of fathers day weekend, so if you want to have a calm, grown up discussion without the drama then i will tell you, he quietly agreed. So I told him all I felt about his decisions and unstability, his declining self worth, self pity and depression, along with everything else, and i was just tired of living this life, and i wanted more etc etc.. he listened and we talked about everything, I didnt hold back much, I just told him what a lazy bum he had been for so long and it was long since time he get off his ass and take responsiblity for his family, get a full time job and contribute like a good husband and father would. he took several breaks throughout the night by himself to sit alone and think, he finally came back with tears in his eyes and said he had been foolish and made a lot of mistakes, that it was true and that he needed to be a better husband and father and he needed to work fulltime etc etc, he basically said that he loved us enough to fight for our marriage, something i had done at one time when he had cheated and that it was time for him to do the same, he was willing to do whatever it takes to make things right, and not in just words but in actions. I really didnt know what to say, i didnt expect for him to cave, i figured it would be an argument of denial for sure, or at least justifications galore from him, but he did surprise me some, now again, he is famous for words and not follow through so i decided ok, why not, I will give him one last chance to prove that he is willing to be a responsible part of our family, ive given him 13 years what is a little more time to prove himself. So, this is the last chance sally, as they say, and he had better show me what i know he can do, or we agreed if we are still unhappy, we will split. I let GT know what was going on, I havent heard a word from him, I think he is disappointed but honestly, i have no intentions of crossing any lines as long as i am married, we can talk via email and that is it. He really doesnt have anything to do with what is going on at home, and I have no intentions of seeing him or anything else. We shall see what will develop, i must say though we are partially where we are because of his affair, that is really when our lives turned a corner and led us to where we are now, i dont know what will happen from here. The ending is still in progress and i intend for it to be real and not made up, just like everything else that has been a part of this journey.
manipulation?
2008
I find it interesting that GT is starting to chase me again, heavily. I havent really done much, no waving carrots. What baffles me is that he is saying he wants us to have an affair, just as before, but he is more serious about future outcomes. honestly, I laugh and play with him, but he is not for me. I dont care if he says he could be monogomous, lets not forget his open marriage that he has constantly being more than willing to walk the rope of lust wherever it takes him. Im just really so disgusted i dont even want to write about it. Home is putting me in a terrible mood, I am so fed up with my husband I just cant stand it. I am to the point I want to leave but i have no place to go right now. I cant just pick up and get an apartment, and I dont have the heart to ask him to leave. I am still working on getting a job out of town, that would easier to seperate that way. I dont think things are going to be salvageable, he is just not willing to have any ambition or goals, he just wants to sit and do nothing. He is dragging me down and my attitude, I need to break free. Intersting that this journey began with the simplicity of trying to capture what lured him away from me and now, even though I have not had an affair, I have come to find, that the person I married has dove into a world of self pity, and content. what a mix and yes a contradiction, and he isnt the person he has the potential to be, he just doesnt care anymore about striving for anything. i have done what i can do to uplift him, to be supportive, to encourage him, he is content with pursuing nothing, just being stagnet and struggling to have nothing, and this isnt about materialism, this is about living life and being able to have the basics. Life is to short to sit around and do nothing. I have wound up in a situation where i want a divorce from the very marriage i reached out and held so close to hold onto. Now all the realizations of why i should of let go long ago are here, and not for the reasons i thought they would be. In a sense, full circle, but not in the sense of an affair. I suppose you could call this enlightenment. What I do know is that I love someone who doesnt love life enough to care about anything. it is sad, I am struggling with letting go, I always thought love would be enough, but i have come to find out that is not always true. love must be returned, and what he is conveying is not really love, he doesnt even love himself, so he has no love to give. this is really not what i had expected. the ending is changing before it has even neared in the book. Perhaps there will be a twist.
You called it ATM
2008
First let me say to my friend ATM you called it. You are right and I know you are right and you are so right. What else can I say about that. He is definately not the man I want, maybe if I got a divorce I might have sex with him for old times sake, but I would not want to be with him. I could not trust a man who sneaks away to talk to his exgirlfriend behind his wifes back. That is not the kind of man I want or deserve. I would love to sit here and use my screwed up marriage as a reason for my conversations with him, buy anyone reading about this 'journey' doesnt need additional justification on my part, nor do I. I am looking forward to having a clean slate at some point in my life, hopefully soon, to work with. My issues with GT to be resolved are not resovled yet, some of that is not in my control and ATM you know what I am referring to specifically, so for now I am maintaining contact until I really have resolved that outside issue. I dont mind being his friend, but I am not really excited so much about him as I was in the beginning, like you I have come to see him for who he is and its not what I am looking for. I am dissappointed though, I would of thought him to of become a better person, that dissappoints me. I am however ready to admit one thing about my marriage that I have been somewhat withholding, I hate to even say the words, because they have been said to me. I love my husband, but the spark is gone, I feel as if our relationship now is a lot of work, in a sense that I am having sex to appease him, I am not turned on anymore by him, I am so angry with him for so many things, that I have really reached a point of numbness and I dont see the future changing with him in it. I need progress towards a positive, uplifting life, he is dragging me down. I do love him, but he is not the person I thought he was when I married him. He still has this need to have things given to him and doesnt want to work hard for anything, and his mother is making the situation worse, she is encouraging him to be dishonest and work the system, which I think is wrong and in the long run it isnt going to benefit anyone but him, if that. He is headed down the exact path of his father, and being influenced again by the low morals of his mother, I cant win. I just wanted a person who was honest, loveing ,commited, with values and morals, oh and stabley employed. I guess that is what we all want, why the hell it is so hard to find is beyond me. I am not running away or quitting my marriage, that is against my morals, and values, I will try and hold on to and put into my marriage to try to make it better and stronger, and hopefully rekindle some kind of desire. I will do my part, but I dont know if it will be enough this time. I dont see myself married to him in the future, I just see all the signs of what I want and what he is not willing to give of himself, his priorities are in the wrong place and he continues to not surprise me with his selfish, irresponsible decisions. I know things have to change, for my kids. I just wish that he would wake up a better person, full of desire, goals, etc. its just not happening.
a little spice to the mix
2008
Well, now that GT has settle in his new place and unpacked, he is adding some spice back to the chase. I have recieved many emails telling me that he is thinking of me and some other nasty thoughts I wont include here. I will say each email has come at a particularly good time for me, i have been having hell at work, my boss and i have been butting heads...i dont know if we will resolve it or not. Some big decisions have been made though in my life, I am still standing firm on if i get a job offer out of town I am taking it, with or without my husbands approval. The other decisions in light of the fact I have not gotten a job in my field, are that, I have figured out why, and it is because i took this job instead of interning so to speak where i should have which would of allowed me to network and for the people doing the hiring to get to know me so when the positions for the new year come open, i would of been immediately considered, but instead i took a job out of my field because interning wasnt going to pay what i needed, a mistake i regret, but now realize, therefore my plan is to work through the holidays here, and then quit in jan, intern for several months and then i will know the ones hiring and they will know me, and i will secure a job for the fall of next year, i am being ellusive of details for personal reasons, they dont matter in this context, and i may reveal more in the actual book. For now, that is the plan, i am also enrolling in graduate school next month and will persue my masters degree which outside of that obvious advantage the main one is to defer student loans. All my ducks are in a row, hopefully all will go as planned. If i get an out of town offer i will quit school and run! My husband is still unsteady, but I think he is starting to try to work towards my expectations of stablity and hopefully raise his own expectations of himself. we will see. GT is drawing near, he mentioned that he is still having trouble procurring a job locally in his field and is considering taking one out of town and communting home on weekends, and he also mentioned he wanted me in his hotel room. So I would say he is throwing in some spice and reignighting the flame of desire that had kindled during his move. I however, remain numb to everything lately, I seem to just be focused on my goal, getting that job I want and need, and i hope it is out of here, near the beach would be great, but I would settle for any large body of water in texas, except in the houston area. If not, then i suppose i will procure a job here by next year, and be looking forward to many vacations during the summer time. This most recent trip to see my parents alone has certainly fired up my will power and some of my creativeness also. I wrote another sexy rendevous short story when I got back and yet another today at his prompting. I dont know if they would be relevant to the book, but I have to admit they are good and hot. Anyway, I havent been very good at blogging the past couple of weeks, a lot going on at work and in other directions. I am still compiling, its going to take a while as i compile and rewrite and edit. I have no idea of when to expect to get done. I cant work on it at home and work is picking up making it hard to work on at work, but i will find some time to work on the book. I think I can have it done by early next year. I may publish it myself, that seems to be so common anymore and start local or sell it online. who knows, too far out to really focus on. I have a lot of lines in teh water and not enough hands to juggle, so i must prioritize. So, we will see what happens from here. I will continue to add as things happen with my marriage and my other interests that are related to this journey and maybe throw in some stuff that is not entirely related to the journey but to the life that surrounds the journey. that is all i have to add for today. feeling strong today.
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